Friday, 17 September 2010

Without purpose

When I write this, I cannot understand where my feelings for him come from. I know I am just recounting the bad stuff, but the bad stuff was so frequent or inflicted such deep wounds, what kept me there?


What a train wreckI am beginning to think it has little to do with my feelings for him, and more about my refusal to accept that the universe would allow something so pointless and destructive to happen . And again, I know this is overly dramatic, I appreciate that in the big scheme of things, this means nothing, but on a personal level I have always believed everything was for a reason. What possible reason is there for me to tolerate this treatment, if it wasn't for N to find his way.

We were supposed to meet. After I had known him for a while, I started to remember a strange 'interest' I had with a boy on the bus when I was younger, I didn't fancy him, but was drawn to him, couldn't help but look at him, I didn't know why, I had never worked it out. Then, after I had known N for a while I remembered the boy on the bus, and realised he looked like N. I believe I must have know N, with a similar appearance from a previous life and had spent this life unknowingly searching for him.
Every bit of his personality turned out to be exactly as I had 'known' from the cascade of feelings I had in the split second I first saw him. When we met, at once I knew him.

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