I heart Enrico

I'm not in love with him, I don't romantically love him as it would be pointless, he wouldn't love me back, and there may be nothing to sustain love but I do love him, I love the person he is, his life moves from random idea to random idea,  going to Uni for the third(?) time, starting a market garden, a poly tunnel franchise, property development, film making, play writing. 
I met up with him in Italy, we rode his bike around lake Garda, camped in a basic site with vineyards, it rained all night, we were caught naked in the rain, running hand in hand through an orchard, thunder and drenching rain. The bike fell and the mirror broke. In the morning he went out to try to fix it. I sat in the cafe.
We stayed in the other site, swam in the pool, swam in the lake, made love in the tent, breaking new ground with a face slap, difficult to write, even more difficult to understand,  listened to Wish You Were Here played at a distance acoustically in the camp bar.   
Stayed in The M.......s the night I bumped into his son, to avoid any complication added by his wife.
Met him in P......e and camped for a couple of nights, no hot water, walked the coastline, drank wine in small harbour saw THE beach, temporarily cut off on return walk, car wasn't working, car fixed by AA, car appeared to catch fire, car fixed with wellington boot.

Found his ad on Match.

When we are together, there isnt a closeness or a connection, there is communication at an emotional distance, he wants nothing from me, he cuddles me all night, we hold hands, when we kiss it is gentle and loving, he is thoughtful, he is distant, there will be periods of days when I hear nothing from him. I don't text as he wouldn't respond, the sex feels incredible, the sex keeps us together and we seem to be perfect playmates.
I feel as if I am a corpseless head; I have no desire to be connected to the body but I would like to know what I'm part of. I would like to better understand his relationship with his wife, I would like to understand where he is going, but then sometime I think he would too.

I feel as if I am constantly needing to re-evaluate what I want, what I really want from life, I currently don't seem to want to fall in love, I don't need permanence, but if you don't have that what do you aim for. stability is a clear path, it's easy to follow. What I have isn't easy, on occasion i have good company, plenty of laughs, good and creative sex, we are friends with benefits and it seems to work, but I feel as if I am fooling myself, do I want to be in love?
Do I want to feel loved? The easy answer would be to say yes, being loved by someone gives a comfort and a confidence. Not being loved by someone you spend intimate time with..... should I feel insecure. It doesnt affect my security, he isn't part of my security, it's not about security.
What if he finds someone else who he actually wants a normal relationship with, how will I feel?
I will definitely feel like it was a chapter that changed me, freed me in some way. Will I mourn what we had, I don't think so. I am already lost, when he is not here I won't be any more lost. 
What do I want...I think I want an opportunity to get close enough to break it. 

Spent the day with N, we are still in love.

Sorted!

He was the most sorted person I have ever been close to.
He seemed to need nothing, he seemed to be under the influence of nothing except his own values.

ER&TT

I am now out of bed and in work. Its because of people like me this country is a more enriching place to live….for the select few anyway  

The photos make me want to read the script even more, it looks surreal and the facial expressions reflect that, looking forward to the full story.

The plan to reduce the desire and mental preoccupation between us doesn’t seem to have worked well this week……and in fact seems to be having the opposite effect. If we satisfy the desire, can we extinguish it?

TTx

 are you still in bed fantasizing about me making you squirm with delight?
if you are, i'd just like to point out that it's thanks to people like you this country is fucked
ER

I thought there was something very 'Anthony hopkins' about one of the waiters. When we made the mistake of ordering chianti with the liver, he did go off into what appeared to be a random diatribe about his wasted talent.

Relieved to say we were told the fish of the day was off, he did say they had a specialist supplier but there was trouble in Iceland .... I had assumed he meant with shipping in the north sea, not a queue at the checkouts.

Should have guessed it was under your management, an abundance of dishes involving gammon and eggs .... More pleasingly, your signature dish of smoked salmon and egg on granary was delicious!

It's always good to keep a whip to hand, a bit of pain never hurt anyone
:-)
TTx

you aren't actually eating there are you?
oh no!
it's purely a front for a money laundering business i have,
it's probably a bit late now, whatever you do, don't have the fish!
the chef isn't actually a chef
(he's a plasterer freind of mine who's fallen on hard times)
and the waiters are all out of work luvvy actors, you may recognise the tall one,
he was on 'the Bill' a few times.
He wheels this fact out every time he asks for a pay rise, he's a superb method actor,
he practiced for this job by actually being a waiter for the last 7 years after studying his craft at
Rhydypandy Academy of Performing Excellence (or R.A.P.E. for short)
 I don't listen though, i just whip him a bit harder (i think that's why he asks daahling!)
ER

 Just realised I'm in a restaurant called E's , have you been branching out ?
 TTx

If those charities dont exist maybe you could set them up, they would have a complementary relationship....
Comic relief may even like to fund you.... Though could  come with the caveat you have to sport the red nose,or even worse red socks.... few bigger turn offs than a naked man in socks

Better take care of that heightened libido.... Getting to the point I'm not sure the dog will be safe. I believe this is an area where quality over quantity is of utmost importance.... If only for the dogs sake.

TT
x
Campaign for better penis utilisation
Founding member
.... Pun intended :-)

 the institute for the advancement of underworked penises (penisii?)
ER

Campanology for beginnersER,
 Thankfully we both have well functioning brains, thanks to them it feels as good as it does. Yours is just slightly more affected by rampant desire.... But only slightly, you are a man after all.
 
 A female friend of my uncle's suggested a threesome with her, my uncle and his partner, they were very amusingly insulted. Andrew has a good body, I think he's slept with a woman but it didn't do anything for him.... You're right, not a good choice for real interactive pleasure.
 
I had not considered a part time pimping career, would I have to wear a big hat and wide collared suit, I dont like doing anything in half measures.
I seem to be unexplainably smiling again.
 
 The charity choice would be important, sex workers rescue?
 Talulah x
 
 that's a very measured and sensible approach to my offer
and in my view a very wise one
it's a good thing one of us has a functioning brain
you are absolutely right.

as for pimping me out to your mates (what exactly is your cut?)
i am fine with meeting up with any of your freinds as long as their only
motivation is pleasure, that's sort of where it starts and stops for me at the moment.
(and I will donate my earnings to a charity of your choice if you were involved too).

I wouldn't bother embarrassing yourself with xxxx, if he is a flat out queen, he probably
won't fit the bill anyway.
stay sexy
ER

Ditto to the waking up state.
On my side it would need to be a meaningless fling rather than relationship, as our brief but sweet history would risk fcuking a relationship (from a partners perspective) and the feelings I may still have for you would fcuk my mind, and not in a wholly good way.
In the wise words of Rocky horror, a gentle mind fuck can be nice.... But sometimes it's playing with fire.

Talulah
x
P.s I've told a number of friends how good at sex you are, expect more calls!
:-)
Pps my gay friend xxxx might be up for it, not sure how I'd raise the subject though
Ppss It was a perfect room

That is a very nice sounding room to have some wonderful sex in.

I've been thinking more and more (normally when I'm looking in my hotmail account to see if you've replied) about you pleasuring me in your own inimitable way (and me you of course!) and it led me to think that if, at some point, you get into a relationship where you are as open and communicative as we were, and you discover you are both thinking along the same lines as we were, then I could be your 'spare'. Just something for you to think about.

Sorry I can't think of anything witty, but I've woken up too horny today.

yours very hornily
ER
p.s. and tell that xxxxxxxxxx to stop ringing me and pestering me for sex!

E,
The politically correct software went into overdrive on your last email, and I had told my friend xxx from Lxxxx, you were so nice....... and before you get concerned I know humour comes before truth, even in your 'special' dictionary....I also know you suffer from acute xenophobia ........and a cute........I'm not frankie howerd so won't finish that line.

All three facts from the same programme, a programme all about stats, very reliable, fascinating.

I will have a look at Wonders of the universe , will it challenge my belief in one superior being and creator? I'm not sure if I'm ready for that. Everyone needs something to believe in don't they?

I would consider myself bi curious too, although it is now more attractive to think about sharing your bi-curiosity, I was going to try to explain why but realise I don't have the words, im just smiling as I type. My bi-curiosity could only be a distraction, sex would not be the same without a penis.

I now have that picture too, the room had dark oak panelling, a window at one end, a fireplace to one side, the table pushed up under the window, my papers strewn on the floor. Thank you.

The best fucking your body can manage is the best a girl can get .... You are such a tease :-)
Talulah 'enrichment' Tassels. Nee Batty (apparently)
x

my life is definitely enriched,
As far as your uncle goes, i'm not sure he's a campanologist, he's probably just balls-out camp darling!
10,000 euro per person, holy shit! that's a lot of pochin, they better get busy them xxxx faced xxxx, hadn't they?
good enough for them i say, xxxxx
that's very kind of our leaders to take a self imposed paycut, i didn't know that
 they know they've got the big bucks to make when they leave office though don't they, when the memoirs come out.good fact though.
 i've been watching 'Wonders of the Universe' on iplayer, it's very good i think, quite simple and understandable.
 i think i'd def put myself as bi curious, but then after giving my curiousity a good workout, i'd either demote myself to straight, or maybe if I loved it to bits, i'd promote myself to double campanologist and book a cosy week under canvas with your uncle post-haste.
 ER (bi curious)
 p.s.i was picturing the presentation room with people still there, watching us as I bent you over the table, lifted your dress, pulled your tights down, grabbed hold of your hips and gave you the best fucking my body could manage.
  

  Dear E vasco da gama Columbus R,
  :-)
  Great idea, take care not to fall off the edge of the world though. I understand when travelling to new territories it is worth taking glass beads, Fire sticks, bottles of coke, Tesco bags for life and biros ......oh and limes are apparently a good idea for the journey, unless you are confident in finding a sainsburys on the way .
  
 My gay uncle loves sleeping in tents, in your dictionary corner, does that make him a doubly enthusiastic campanologist?(Geography is apparently not the only thing you excel in)
  
  Could the hatchback have blacked out windows? It needs to look sinister, image will be all important ....and I really think you need to wear at least a little purple.
  
 Things I learnt from radio four today.
 Only 1.5% of people in the uk consider themselves lesbian/gay/bi , this increases to between 3-5% if instead you ask them the gender of the people they have had sex with or the gender they would prefer to have sex with.
  
David Cameron could earn £198k but chooses to take £142k , a precedent set by Gordon brown
  
The cost of the bank bail out in the uk was equivalent to £100 per person, the cost of the Eire bailout is ¤10k per person
  
Does your life feel enriched?
Talulah x
  
  p.s I was pretty distracted at the thought of your mouth on my body, The presentation would have been a worthy sacrifice
  
  I never realised what cartography was until now, that's weird isn't it.
it turns out I was doing it as a child without even realising it, but I had to stop when one of the front wheels came off when navigating a hairpin bend in the street outside my mothers house and i mounted the kerb and grazed my knee.That put an end to my days as the fastest cartographer in Aberxxxx.
 But seriously, what I really fancy doing (on a completely different tangent) is discovering wonderous new places and drawing maps depicting them.
 What the hell is that called?
 and why hasn't anyone invented that yet, maybe it could be a sideline to the assasination thing, as I'll probably get to travel around to all sorts of uncharted places doing that job...... such as america and europe and christ knows what the other 2 corners of the world are called.
  
 I'm big into the idea of the werewolf van, but alas, i have no van!
 do you think it would work as well with a hatchback?
 i'm not sure.
 ER
 p.s. the presentation would have gone out of the window.
  

The curse of Uncle Yentil (deceased)
 You and me both, though would have affected the appreciation of the presentation I was delivering.
 With your creativity and incomparable knowledge of geography, have you considered cartography, drawn by you the world would be a more interesting place, putting aside the annihilation of any particular race.
We could stir up rumours of werewolves in west wales and you could offer slaying services from the van.
TT
   What was the film?
and more to the point, can you prove they don't exist?
they are very real to some of those inbred goons living in the arse end of Romania, Lemonkurdistan or Satanistan.
try and tell those poor fuckers Uncle Lentil hasn't risen from the grave and is scratching on the window at night begging to be let in.
they'll give you a different take on how real vampires are.
and don't get me started on werewolves.....holy shit!
 E 'the jackal' R
 p.s. wishing I was kissing, sucking and gently biting your nipples.
  
  Just watched a bit of a very rubbish film which had an interesting point.... Apparently the second choice after being a hired assassin seems to be vampire slayer .... I reckon that has possibilities ... The fact that vampires probably don't exist is a minor irrelevance
TT
    I wouldn't attempt to contemporise his style, I would just emulate. If it ain't broke don't fix it. As for hi vis, it's sunny up here.

ER
  
  Don't know....do you fancy picking up the mantle, you could do a lot to contemporise the look
  TT

  Is he alive?
  ER
  
 Thank you to the man in dictionary corner. Until now I hadn't pictured you in a Giles brandreth style jumper, but could be a viable new look

TT
  
 A colloquial boil
ER
    
 :-) I guessed I was wrong , thank you an oozy paints a totally different picture
TT

  uzi

ER
  
 Subject: Re: The curse of Lenny Henry
 And I'm pretty sure I heard they edited out a bit where ingrid Bergman pulled out an oozy(?), ran up the side of the departing plane and then drop kicked the german commandant... Before taking her seat.
  
  I'll start on the rusks, I just wanted to think the thoughts were more than fleeting. I love farleys rusks!
TT  
  
 ok, ok....you occasionally fill my head with thoughts.
 (I can't see what the difference is though between that and what I said).
I had bought you a pack of rusks too, to start weaning you back onto solids.
ER
 p.s. If my faltering memory serves me correctly, Casablanca was filmed in black and white, for all we know, all of the sets and locations could well have been purple.
  

Subject: The curse of Lenny Henry
 Occasionally wanders?! :-)
 Is that like when you think that you really should put oil in the car or you wish you could remember where you put the bottle opener, or you wonder whether 70% of African people really can have the surname Wong? Occasionally wanders?!
  
 Yes, Kick ass had a bit of everything, left me with a big smile. Casablanca needed was more use of bouncing off walls, swearing children, splattering blood and the colour purple... Way over due for a remake.
 Listened to the most surreal play on radio four last week. About a woman living in the cavities between the Walls of a house. Started with the warning, the following will contain scenes of a sexual nature and James blunt music.
  
 I'm pleased things are good for you, back on the hunger strike for me , this time as as protest until someone tells me I occasionally fill their head with thoughts :-)
Talulah x
 
  I'm glad you are going to end the hunger strike, starvation doesn't really suit most people - it's only the African's that are any good at it (you know Africa? it's that place in China). For the rest of us starvation just spells misery, woe and dissapointment (otherwise known as comic relief).
Things are good with me, but i'd be lying if I said my thoughts didn't occasionally wander to you.
  
I'm glad you got round to seeing Kick Ass, it is a truly great film, i loved it, it entertained me perfectly, and ticked all my boxes, why can't all films be like that?
ER

  Hey gringo!
I think it was you, I remember your maracas and kisses, without compare :-)

TT
  i may have been....

ER
 :

Shipping forecast
 If you were the bloke in the sombrero with false Mexican moustache, you still owe me £75, I haven't been able to straighten my finger since and it ruined the dogs blanket........oh and you are the proud father of triplets, Pablo, Gonzales and Gary

TT

 shit, i knew i'd seen you before somewhere!
ER  
  
  My stage name is talulah tassles but that's another story

TT

    my stage name is ER
  Subject: Re: Shipping forecast
 A rose by any other name may smell as sweet but would it have the same mental acuity?
 I think Wenf suits you, it sounds medieval, my period of choice would be roman.
 You say youre not keen on xxxx, maybe you could have a pet name ... What about Tyrone? Eustace? Nigel? My vote goes to .... Hmm ... I like Mark :-) no, I know , Spartacus Jones

 Don't change it now. I just changed my name to wenf
 M
   :-)
 What about... If there's a storm coming, we'd better raise the main sail and ride it out. The higher the waves the better the ride.
 You were Wenf because predictive text did something odd, which I didn't correct and somehow it carried through to your email. Changed it now :-)
 Bx

 How about, (you still) shiver me timbers! arggghhh!
 M
 p.s. Am i wenf?
    Hi,
  Your judgement is good, though it would have been good to talk about it.
 The 'more' I wanted, was to know there was a place for us (cue song from west side story) for now at least Enough stability to know that the weekends wouldn't mean a sudden change of mind, which was how I felt.   Affairs can work but they do need to be compartmentalised, they add texture and excitement, but they have  to be fun and if it didn't feel that way, this solution is right.
 I've said the stuff about not needing promises, what I wanted was to feel you were somehow invested in it, and yes, I would have wanted you to wangle the odd day off so we could have a normal day out.
  Talking about it could have been a way to understand each others wants, and could have meant we found a way to keep the enjoyment without total loss or sense of burden.
  I enjoy your quick mind even if it seems to make rash decisions. Thanks again for the explanation, still feels a bit premature, but I get you and love your honesty.
  I'm trying to think of a nautical analogy, to follow your 'ship may have sailed point' ... But cant so i will resort to Are you saying I'm fat!? :-)
  Yours still :-)

Bx
 

 All good here. Shame to hear about xxxx and the meds.light houses are funded by a group called the 'general lighthouse authority' or something like that, based in trinity house, which I assume is just down the coast from portland bill and just up a bit from fraggle rock. I too miss your body, watching your lovely boobs as you ride me,but at a time where I needed to give less I got the impression you were starting to need more, which would could have only led to discontent for up both. When I eventually free myself, I will find you, and if I find I have missed that particular boat, I won't really mind, because I enjoyed our time and if that's all it was meant to be, that's all it was meant to be. I enjoyed it all (enjoyment's my middle name! ).
 Yours
 M X
  Hiya, dont want to intrude with a text, and not looking for a response, just wanted to say you are on my mind and I am missing your body  Bx

Mind the gap

Although I have no idea about the meaning of life, I do believe the journey is more important than the destination, I don't believe I have ever had an end goal in sight. I know I have never had a view of where life was taking me, I didn't have a checklist of husband, family, house, retirement. I have had fleeting glimpses of things I would like to do on the journey, but never felt they were a means to an end, maybe everyone is the same, I don't know. One thing I do know, is that the path I have taken has meant a series of relationships, each one filling my time for a while, giving me things, teaching me lessons (I hope) giving me insight into people, possibly immaterial in the bigger scheme of things but they have provided me with company on the journey.

There are probably many downsides to this way of life, most of them won't trouble me, but today I remembered one of the downsides which I had previously recognised and forgotten.

In one relationship, holidays were very important to us, we both enjoyed travel, and had travelled plenty before  we met. We realised, somehow we were missing out on something as we couldn't reminisce about our previous travels as they had been with other people. We started to play a game, when we spoke about previous holidays, we imagined...pretended we had both been there, and added us to the story. 'A' would say, do you remember Malta, we had a great time but you didn't like the boat driver, I would agree. A knew that had I been there I would not have liked the boat driver. I might say, you liked Iceland but didn't like the lack of alcohol....we could then play along for a while, talk about the holiday together,  it was an ok game to plug a gap we had found. 

Today I have realised that I have so many memories, of so many places, visited with a variety of people, it may just be one of the things I envy in happily married couples, they can reminisce about their favourite times, and the times belong to them both. 

Caught in a trap

This week we have had some exchange of texts. N. could be excused for thinking I want him back, although I haven't said that in the texts. 

Years ago I saw a film and it contained two quotes which I loved at the time, and have stuck with me. It is only with the heart that one can see clearly, what is essential is invisible to the eye. The other quote 'You remain responsible forever for what you have tamed' is the one on my mind now. 

I believe it is patronising for me to feel this way, it compounds all the problems N & I had, but I still feel responsible for him. I shouldn't, he is more than capable of dealing with his own life. It is apparently because of my desire to support him that he has become weaker.

But the love I have for him means I cannot bear the pain I have seen him suffer. I do not want him back I want him to defeat his demons, I want to believe there is an end to his torment.  I want to believe he will find complete happiness and it won't be destroyed by his negative thoughts. I know he will find someone else, and she will get to know him, but will the cycle not just start again. Will he drain the love with his anger, contempt and resentment.

Maybe if she is not tempted to rescue, maybe he will take control. I did try this, but he didn't act, he just resigned himself to solitude and a simpler life. This may be his best option, but I felt he had so much he could give and gain, it was a waste. I have to accept it may be his chosen path.

He often told me how perfect we were for each other, we complemented each other, we still fancied each other intensely after 6 years, we were proud of each other, we liked the same amount of solitude, we like the same things but had interests of our own. 

But when the negative thoughts took over, he hated everything. I can handle anger, it is seemingly endless dislike for the world and me that I couldn't handle. 

When someone suffers with depression, they feel bad inside, they don't know why,  they can't bear the feeling. They look outside themselves to find something to feel bad about, then they find someone to blame for it, and generally it's their partner, or work colleagues or ex partner, anyone who can take the responsibility that they can't bear.     
N would feel angry and frustrated in groups because he felt pressure to entertain, only he put himself under this pressure, but I would get blamed 'why did he have to be here?'
In counselling he said he felt inadequate because he couldn't delight me by taking me places. I have never wanted him to take me places, I was generally the one with all the ideas, because most of the time his depression meant he had low interest and low energy.
When he wasn't depressed his was active and alive, instigated things, took me places, life was great. When he was depressed he couldn't do those things, so it must have been my fault, I must have stopped him.

It was SO frustrating seeing everything fall apart based only on his perception, things would be idyllic and suddenly  the saboteur would poison his mind and he was a victim again. 

And why do I keep dwelling on this? I think it's because I have so many times seen him truly happy, he used the words ecstatic and filled with joy, he would feel safe and free and happy and in love. Life was enjoyable and we were a great team. Nothing would change in me, and he would just fall into a deep hole.  

He used to tell me how great he was, 'as good as any,  better than most'  I could not get anyone better, he said.

Then when he would be depressed and detached and cold and cruel and thoughtless, and I would tell him. He said, if he listened to me he would start thinking he was no good, and it had taken him ages to believe in himself. But the belief  wasn't founded on anything. When he thought about whether he gave me any consideration, whether he treated me like someone he cared for or respected, or loved, or wanted to be happy, he realised he didn't. He realised he gave nothing and, in justification said he wanted nothing in return, effectively extracting himself from any commitment to our relationship. Occasionally he would see these were the components to a happy relationship, he would become momentarily committed to having those things, and then it would be gone again.
I don't want him back but I want him happy

Taking the tablets

I have just realised something I should have spotted before, and is worth remembering.
There would be times when N would get resentful about us not having sex, at these times he would feel as if we never had sex. He would forget how great it was when we did.
He would not be able to link the fact that he had been angry/disliking/distant/resentful of me, which would be why we weren't having sex.
This problem was solved when his medication was at the 'right' level. A level which seemed to enable him to appreciate other things in life in addition to the 'high' that sex would give. When the level was wrong, it was as if the only thing that would make the bad feelings go away was sex. Sex is a place to escape, when the level was wrong it was his only escape.

At the level headed times, he was able to understand that when he was cold/distant etc, I had no desire for him, that having sex would have been..... felt nasty, not loving, or exciting, or intense or fun or delicious, it would have just felt like being used and using. When the level was right he understood this.

Just before the end, he changed his medication, for one less 'numbing' coincidentally at the same time, the old argument of me 'witholding' sex came up again. Oblivious that he had been angry with me continuously for about 6 weeks, suddenly all he could think was that I wasn't having sex with him.

The more I write, the more I remember, the more I see how our life was filled with his illness. It left no room, for love.

If I say I left my husband because of his illness, I feel misrepresented. I married him knowing about the illness and believing that a mental illness, like any other illness was just something you would support someone with. I left him because he was living with the illness, I was living with the illness, but only I was prepared to recognise and manage the consequences.

It still doesn't feel 100% right that I say he has a mental illness, or better call it a condition, and maybe most of the behaviour could just be described as 'men being men' . I think the reason, and maybe the only real reason I call it an illness, is that he just couldn't see what was happening, afterwards, although he would rarely apologise, he would not know why he had behaved in such a way. It could take weeks...maybe that is still 'men being men' . He would say he would die for me, would want to do anything for me, his heart wanted to give me love, it really did, his mind just wouldn't let him. 

It was as if there was a constant saboteur on his shoulder, telling him to feel resentful or victimised regardless of the situation, and it would so often win.  

Premonition

Five years ago, I was walking across a carpark, towards my employers training accommodation building. Suddenly, my head was filled with a scene, I was part of it. I was in front of the reception desk of the training school, John the caretaker was behind the desk and he said 'What are you doing here, we expected you yesterday'. The scene disappeared. I carried on walking into the Training school, wondering about my booking, I walked through the door and my 'premonition' played itself out. It was strange. The next day I checked whether subconsciously I had seen something on an email, but all emails were for the correct date, I checked again with John and he explained they had just filed my email in the wrong day.
The next day, I was walking in the same spot, at that time wondering what N would look like in a suit, my mind was again 'transported' to a scene, N was in front of me in a grey suit, it was our wedding, and he said 'Where's Alex's tie? I can't find Alex's tie'  then the scene disappeared. 
This made me believe we would, one day, be married, although I couldn't imagine N wanting to wear a grey suit. 
It was as if the premonition of the previous day was to give me belief

When we were preparing for our wedding, it was 9 months after my mum's funeral, I associated black suits with the funeral, so I asked N to consider another colour. He settled on a gorgeous grey suit. I did not want to engineer coincidence, so put Alex's tie together with his wedding stuff. A few days before the wedding, N was standing in the bedroom, looked at me and said  'Where's Alex's tie? I can't find Alex's tie' He seemed unaware of what he was saying.  

This is another reason, why I found it so difficult to give up on N, why give me a sign of the future if it wasn't 'meant to be'