Monday, 20 September 2010

A thousand cuts

Sometimes, I feel as if I just want to squeeze all the poison out, all I have in me are the poisons. Still not pain of loss, or hurt or even disappointment.  
There is an ache in my head, it is filled with frustration, and I am in limbo.
I don't want him back, he has used so much of my life I can't give him anymore, luckily I currently can't even recall why I would want him. As long as I don't see him I will be fine.
The possibility that he will contact me, unsettles me.
And if he never contacts me?
Can that really happen, can you spend 6 years with someone, marry them and then drift away never to 'close' the relationship.

It's not like it was a sudden break, it was death by a thousand cuts, with a few slashes to help it along the way, but in the end it was the loss from the smaller cuts.

Princess Bride/Inigo
I have started to get control of my mind, I can switch it away from thinking about what he is or isn't doing or feeling, I am doing better at just thinking about me, what I'm doing....and the plenty I'm not doing.
Today I realised I need to get some things going, have some milestones that are not focussed around the relationship that was. I need to live my life again. 
Had contact with JJ and G Sams today, someone is taking care of me, someone is distracting me. 
A major milestone will be acheived when I can listen to music and not put it on the playlists that contain the feeling we had,  Adele - Tired, The Script - Man who can't be moved, Snow Patrol- You could be happy, Saw Doctors- Only one girl, Mumford & Sons - Little Lion Man. 
It feels good to draw out the pain of emotion, which I am otherwise unable to experience.

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