The end or the beginning of the end?

This week, amid a few highs and lows, my marriage ended, at least my commitment to my marriage. Unfortunately, not my love for my husband, nor my hope that a miracle may happen, the mist will clear and he will be able to see what is so clear to others. But I decided to end the torment we have been going through. I don't know if it has sunk in yet. My heart does not ache, I am not filled with loneliness and wistful thoughts. I am pretty sure I don't want to see cuddling couples, I have just decided to distract myself.

I signed onto a dating site, which coincidentally, so did my soon to be ex husband. It was a site which offered a compatibility score, we are reassuringly 75% compatible, he's in my top ten, and we have an 83% score on our vision as a couple. We are unfortunately made for each other. the only feeling I know I have is that I will never stop wanting him, if all he has done to date hasn't deterred me, nothing will. I think this is a cross to bear and I'm not sure how I will be able to carry it. That if nothing else will be the thing that disappoints me for the rest of my life. Maybe this sounds a bit melodramatic.

I have lost or sent away people who I have loved before, but the love I held then was a partly selfish love, I would miss what I got from the relationship. This time the love isn't in me, it's the love I have for him, the feeling belongs in him, he is where I feel it.

I like being loved by him, it has a purity, such an instinctive feeling, but that's not where the loss is, the loss is in the emptiness I feel in him.