Caught in a trap

This week we have had some exchange of texts. N. could be excused for thinking I want him back, although I haven't said that in the texts. 

Years ago I saw a film and it contained two quotes which I loved at the time, and have stuck with me. It is only with the heart that one can see clearly, what is essential is invisible to the eye. The other quote 'You remain responsible forever for what you have tamed' is the one on my mind now. 

I believe it is patronising for me to feel this way, it compounds all the problems N & I had, but I still feel responsible for him. I shouldn't, he is more than capable of dealing with his own life. It is apparently because of my desire to support him that he has become weaker.

But the love I have for him means I cannot bear the pain I have seen him suffer. I do not want him back I want him to defeat his demons, I want to believe there is an end to his torment.  I want to believe he will find complete happiness and it won't be destroyed by his negative thoughts. I know he will find someone else, and she will get to know him, but will the cycle not just start again. Will he drain the love with his anger, contempt and resentment.

Maybe if she is not tempted to rescue, maybe he will take control. I did try this, but he didn't act, he just resigned himself to solitude and a simpler life. This may be his best option, but I felt he had so much he could give and gain, it was a waste. I have to accept it may be his chosen path.

He often told me how perfect we were for each other, we complemented each other, we still fancied each other intensely after 6 years, we were proud of each other, we liked the same amount of solitude, we like the same things but had interests of our own. 

But when the negative thoughts took over, he hated everything. I can handle anger, it is seemingly endless dislike for the world and me that I couldn't handle. 

When someone suffers with depression, they feel bad inside, they don't know why,  they can't bear the feeling. They look outside themselves to find something to feel bad about, then they find someone to blame for it, and generally it's their partner, or work colleagues or ex partner, anyone who can take the responsibility that they can't bear.     
N would feel angry and frustrated in groups because he felt pressure to entertain, only he put himself under this pressure, but I would get blamed 'why did he have to be here?'
In counselling he said he felt inadequate because he couldn't delight me by taking me places. I have never wanted him to take me places, I was generally the one with all the ideas, because most of the time his depression meant he had low interest and low energy.
When he wasn't depressed his was active and alive, instigated things, took me places, life was great. When he was depressed he couldn't do those things, so it must have been my fault, I must have stopped him.

It was SO frustrating seeing everything fall apart based only on his perception, things would be idyllic and suddenly  the saboteur would poison his mind and he was a victim again. 

And why do I keep dwelling on this? I think it's because I have so many times seen him truly happy, he used the words ecstatic and filled with joy, he would feel safe and free and happy and in love. Life was enjoyable and we were a great team. Nothing would change in me, and he would just fall into a deep hole.  

He used to tell me how great he was, 'as good as any,  better than most'  I could not get anyone better, he said.

Then when he would be depressed and detached and cold and cruel and thoughtless, and I would tell him. He said, if he listened to me he would start thinking he was no good, and it had taken him ages to believe in himself. But the belief  wasn't founded on anything. When he thought about whether he gave me any consideration, whether he treated me like someone he cared for or respected, or loved, or wanted to be happy, he realised he didn't. He realised he gave nothing and, in justification said he wanted nothing in return, effectively extracting himself from any commitment to our relationship. Occasionally he would see these were the components to a happy relationship, he would become momentarily committed to having those things, and then it would be gone again.
I don't want him back but I want him happy