Caught in a trap

This week we have had some exchange of texts. N. could be excused for thinking I want him back, although I haven't said that in the texts. 

Years ago I saw a film and it contained two quotes which I loved at the time, and have stuck with me. It is only with the heart that one can see clearly, what is essential is invisible to the eye. The other quote 'You remain responsible forever for what you have tamed' is the one on my mind now. 

I believe it is patronising for me to feel this way, it compounds all the problems N & I had, but I still feel responsible for him. I shouldn't, he is more than capable of dealing with his own life. It is apparently because of my desire to support him that he has become weaker.

But the love I have for him means I cannot bear the pain I have seen him suffer. I do not want him back I want him to defeat his demons, I want to believe there is an end to his torment.  I want to believe he will find complete happiness and it won't be destroyed by his negative thoughts. I know he will find someone else, and she will get to know him, but will the cycle not just start again. Will he drain the love with his anger, contempt and resentment.

Maybe if she is not tempted to rescue, maybe he will take control. I did try this, but he didn't act, he just resigned himself to solitude and a simpler life. This may be his best option, but I felt he had so much he could give and gain, it was a waste. I have to accept it may be his chosen path.

He often told me how perfect we were for each other, we complemented each other, we still fancied each other intensely after 6 years, we were proud of each other, we liked the same amount of solitude, we like the same things but had interests of our own. 

But when the negative thoughts took over, he hated everything. I can handle anger, it is seemingly endless dislike for the world and me that I couldn't handle. 

When someone suffers with depression, they feel bad inside, they don't know why,  they can't bear the feeling. They look outside themselves to find something to feel bad about, then they find someone to blame for it, and generally it's their partner, or work colleagues or ex partner, anyone who can take the responsibility that they can't bear.     
N would feel angry and frustrated in groups because he felt pressure to entertain, only he put himself under this pressure, but I would get blamed 'why did he have to be here?'
In counselling he said he felt inadequate because he couldn't delight me by taking me places. I have never wanted him to take me places, I was generally the one with all the ideas, because most of the time his depression meant he had low interest and low energy.
When he wasn't depressed his was active and alive, instigated things, took me places, life was great. When he was depressed he couldn't do those things, so it must have been my fault, I must have stopped him.

It was SO frustrating seeing everything fall apart based only on his perception, things would be idyllic and suddenly  the saboteur would poison his mind and he was a victim again. 

And why do I keep dwelling on this? I think it's because I have so many times seen him truly happy, he used the words ecstatic and filled with joy, he would feel safe and free and happy and in love. Life was enjoyable and we were a great team. Nothing would change in me, and he would just fall into a deep hole.  

He used to tell me how great he was, 'as good as any,  better than most'  I could not get anyone better, he said.

Then when he would be depressed and detached and cold and cruel and thoughtless, and I would tell him. He said, if he listened to me he would start thinking he was no good, and it had taken him ages to believe in himself. But the belief  wasn't founded on anything. When he thought about whether he gave me any consideration, whether he treated me like someone he cared for or respected, or loved, or wanted to be happy, he realised he didn't. He realised he gave nothing and, in justification said he wanted nothing in return, effectively extracting himself from any commitment to our relationship. Occasionally he would see these were the components to a happy relationship, he would become momentarily committed to having those things, and then it would be gone again.
I don't want him back but I want him happy

Taking the tablets

I have just realised something I should have spotted before, and is worth remembering.
There would be times when N would get resentful about us not having sex, at these times he would feel as if we never had sex. He would forget how great it was when we did.
He would not be able to link the fact that he had been angry/disliking/distant/resentful of me, which would be why we weren't having sex.
This problem was solved when his medication was at the 'right' level. A level which seemed to enable him to appreciate other things in life in addition to the 'high' that sex would give. When the level was wrong, it was as if the only thing that would make the bad feelings go away was sex. Sex is a place to escape, when the level was wrong it was his only escape.

At the level headed times, he was able to understand that when he was cold/distant etc, I had no desire for him, that having sex would have been..... felt nasty, not loving, or exciting, or intense or fun or delicious, it would have just felt like being used and using. When the level was right he understood this.

Just before the end, he changed his medication, for one less 'numbing' coincidentally at the same time, the old argument of me 'witholding' sex came up again. Oblivious that he had been angry with me continuously for about 6 weeks, suddenly all he could think was that I wasn't having sex with him.

The more I write, the more I remember, the more I see how our life was filled with his illness. It left no room, for love.

If I say I left my husband because of his illness, I feel misrepresented. I married him knowing about the illness and believing that a mental illness, like any other illness was just something you would support someone with. I left him because he was living with the illness, I was living with the illness, but only I was prepared to recognise and manage the consequences.

It still doesn't feel 100% right that I say he has a mental illness, or better call it a condition, and maybe most of the behaviour could just be described as 'men being men' . I think the reason, and maybe the only real reason I call it an illness, is that he just couldn't see what was happening, afterwards, although he would rarely apologise, he would not know why he had behaved in such a way. It could take weeks...maybe that is still 'men being men' . He would say he would die for me, would want to do anything for me, his heart wanted to give me love, it really did, his mind just wouldn't let him. 

It was as if there was a constant saboteur on his shoulder, telling him to feel resentful or victimised regardless of the situation, and it would so often win.  

Premonition

Five years ago, I was walking across a carpark, towards my employers training accommodation building. Suddenly, my head was filled with a scene, I was part of it. I was in front of the reception desk of the training school, John the caretaker was behind the desk and he said 'What are you doing here, we expected you yesterday'. The scene disappeared. I carried on walking into the Training school, wondering about my booking, I walked through the door and my 'premonition' played itself out. It was strange. The next day I checked whether subconsciously I had seen something on an email, but all emails were for the correct date, I checked again with John and he explained they had just filed my email in the wrong day.
The next day, I was walking in the same spot, at that time wondering what N would look like in a suit, my mind was again 'transported' to a scene, N was in front of me in a grey suit, it was our wedding, and he said 'Where's Alex's tie? I can't find Alex's tie'  then the scene disappeared. 
This made me believe we would, one day, be married, although I couldn't imagine N wanting to wear a grey suit. 
It was as if the premonition of the previous day was to give me belief

When we were preparing for our wedding, it was 9 months after my mum's funeral, I associated black suits with the funeral, so I asked N to consider another colour. He settled on a gorgeous grey suit. I did not want to engineer coincidence, so put Alex's tie together with his wedding stuff. A few days before the wedding, N was standing in the bedroom, looked at me and said  'Where's Alex's tie? I can't find Alex's tie' He seemed unaware of what he was saying.  

This is another reason, why I found it so difficult to give up on N, why give me a sign of the future if it wasn't 'meant to be'
 
 

A thousand cuts

Sometimes, I feel as if I just want to squeeze all the poison out, all I have in me are the poisons. Still not pain of loss, or hurt or even disappointment.  
There is an ache in my head, it is filled with frustration, and I am in limbo.
I don't want him back, he has used so much of my life I can't give him anymore, luckily I currently can't even recall why I would want him. As long as I don't see him I will be fine.
The possibility that he will contact me, unsettles me.
And if he never contacts me?
Can that really happen, can you spend 6 years with someone, marry them and then drift away never to 'close' the relationship.

It's not like it was a sudden break, it was death by a thousand cuts, with a few slashes to help it along the way, but in the end it was the loss from the smaller cuts.

I have started to get control of my mind, I can switch it away from thinking about what he is or isn't doing or feeling, I am doing better at just thinking about me, what I'm doing....and the plenty I'm not doing.

Today I realised I need to get some things going, have some milestones that are not focussed around the relationship that was. I need to live my life again. 
Had contact with JJ and G Sams today, someone is taking care of me, someone is distracting me. 
A major milestone will be acheived when I can listen to music and not put it on the playlists that contain the feeling we had,  Adele - Tired, The Script - Man who can't be moved, Snow Patrol- You could be happy, Saw Doctors- Only one girl, Mumford & Sons - Little Lion Man. 
It feels good to draw out the pain of emotion, which I am otherwise unable to experience.

Without purpose

When I write this, I cannot understand where my feelings for him come from. I know I am just recounting the bad stuff, but the bad stuff was so frequent or inflicted such deep wounds, what kept me there?

I am beginning to think it has little to do with my feelings for him, and more about my refusal to accept that the universe would allow something so pointless and destructive to happen . And again, I know this is overly dramatic, I appreciate that in the big scheme of things, this means nothing, but on a personal level I have always believed everything was for a reason. What possible reason is there for me to tolerate this treatment, if it wasn't for N to find his way.

We were supposed to meet. After I had known him for a while, I started to remember a strange 'interest' I had with a boy on the bus when I was younger, I didn't fancy him, but was drawn to him, couldn't help but look at him, I didn't know why, I had never worked it out. Then, after I had known N for a while I remembered the boy on the bus, and realised he looked like N. I believe I must have know N, with a similar appearance from a previous life and had spent this life unknowingly searching for him.
Every bit of his personality turned out to be exactly as I had 'known' from the cascade of feelings I had in the split second I first saw him. When we met, at once I knew him.

That extra buzz

Then there was the time, we were in bed and he presented me with the news he had been out with the boys at lunchtime and bought a jar of amyl nitrate, he wanted us to use it during sex, right then.

He knew I thought all kinds of drugs were stupid and scummy. In previous conversations I had said I thought sex was brilliant enough without drugs, I said it again, there were plenty of things you could do (and we did) which would give a natural buzz but he got angry and moody, bullied me and I gave in, but he sniffed it ...or drank it? I can't remember, and started to tell me how great it felt, it made me feel cheap and dirty so I changed my mind, and poured it down the sink, he got more angry, I had wasted his feeling and wasted the bottle. I am sure he always felt I was at fault.
It was Christmas, he bought me a silver compact and a body stocking from Ann Summers, another purchase whilst out with the boys, he was a man of 47!

For the record

Our first married Valentine day, after my upset about not receiving a card, and his genuine     concern and assurance he would get me one, a week later, nothing. Then I reminded, then nice words.

• Bad mood on 3rd day of honeymoon, on the way to New Forrest, in Cork, in Greece, at Bootleg Beatles concert, on the way to Cheltenham festival, anger before Marrakesh (no Marrakesh), Seth Lakeman in Regents park (no SL) , headache and mood at St Fagans, whenever we are at my sisters, when friend from Ireland visited, when we visited her and fixed the cables but couldn't even talk about the PC,when we met for drinks at Epsom, all around Italy, when the kids were around,  
• He said I don't want to keep traipsing across the country visiting people, I don't want to keep going away ...... Greece, Turkey, Fuerte ventura, Dublin, Paris, Tuscany, London, Edinburgh, Ireland, Norway...
• We didn't shop together, cook together, plan stuff together, talk about his job, the courses he would go on, the stuff about his house, the stuff about his dad, his mum and her money questions, my feelings about my mum, decorate without argument, build, love , share, book holidays without resentment.
• We couldn't talk about his moods, his worries, his dreams, his decisions, the kids, money, work. 
• We could do sex and talk about it, And when we didn't do it we couldn't talk about why.  
• We couldn't make progress in matters of his mental health, his stomach and diet, his headaches, the self inflicted injuries to his back, and knees, and foot, and other diet related problems
• I was hurt by his other women, his distraction, his need to sting me with words,  his lack of feeling, lack of commitment, contempt and resentment of me, preoccupation with porn rather than feelings, interest in UFC rather than life, lack of ability to apologise or acknowledge my hurt

And I liked
The way he loved me when he loved me, the pure joy I felt in him , the absolute happiness and the realisation of what happiness and security felt like, his vulnerability, I was made for him, I was supposed to be by his side to support him though the challenges this life gave him.
Our taste in music and films and leisure time (when he felt ok)

Now the rain has gone

On Sunday, something happened which I don't really understand, suddenly, quite unexpectedly, my whole perspective changed. I was doing my usual thinking, probably around whether there was anything I should or shouldn't do to move the situation on. Maybe I was feeling bad because he suffers so much, and he loses so much in the process. When suddenly my mind changed subject and direction and 'told me' that he should be the one doing all the thinking, he should be trying to work out what he needs to do to put his life back on track, he should be reflecting and working out what it all means. It was as if my mind, without any help from me had just decided it had had enough of me thinking as if I owned the relationship, and for the first time ever I could see that he owned it too, and I didn't have to be thinking for two. It was like a weight lifted from me, I could feel it, it was so weird. In an attempt to understand what happened, I know I will sound mad when I say it, but I now wonder whether I was picking up on N's feelings as I have done before. Had he come out of the depression and suddenly the red mist had cleared?

From the first moment we met (as noted in Simply a man below) I have been able to feel N's feelings, even across miles. On one occasion, we had been 'on a break' with no contact for several weeks, I was driving when I suddenly felt a deep ache in my chest, not a pain, more of a yearning, without warning I started to cry and at that very moment received a text from N asking if we could meet up. 

Often, I would experience feelings which I knew didn't belong to me, it could be a tightness across my chest or an emptiness, or a heavy feeling or a jittery feeling and if I asked N, he confirmed they were his feelings.

One situation was more weird than any other. We had been reunited after an 8 week break, and every time I was kissing N, I had a 'yearning' feeling in a particularly odd place on my body, I kept dismissing it, it was feeling I didn't understand. A few weeks later, N told me that the woman he had been with during our break up used to touch him there.....I was feeling his sexual feelings! 
On another occasion, I was at work, towards the end of the day, an ok day, when I suddenly started to cry, without reason. When I spoke to my partner later, he'd had some bad news at that time and too had been crying.  

p.s Still crying daily, not helped by the release of The Script album

Can I run out of tears?

Millions of people have felt this way, I want to cry until my tears run out, does that happen?

I feel so sad, sad because love isn't enough, love shouldn't hurt this much, how can love hurt you this much?

What was I doing?!

There are times, which, when I think about them make me feel ill.

He was sitting on the sofa, we were trying to reconcile/break up/sort things and he kept texting the (young) girl he had just started seeing, not just the once, repeatedly, and I sat there and chatted...what was I doing!

When we got back together after the funeral, there was his intense crying over his betrayal to C, and the fact he had left her heartbroken, they had been together about 6 weeks, he still doesn't know the meaning of love.He had started to drink whisky every night, she mothered him. He showed me her photo, I think, for my approval. I again became like his mother, consoling him. 

Later to find out he had still kept in touch and asked her to go for a walk with him. With her he had the relationship we had wanted, he did all the stuff we needed, and because it was his idea he was happy to do it, it got the results he needed, she was apparently delighted by him, it would seem that I know how to woo a woman.

Then there was J, she was rich and clever he was keen to tell me, he also told me he had told her all about me and she didn't know how she could compete. After we had got back together and decided to marry, he had sent her a text telling her she was lovely, she text while we were in bed, when i asked what was going on, he insisted there was no harm, it was ok, it wasn't flirting!   

Proof his world can't sustain two

Having spent 8 sessions with us, the counsellor had drawn her own conclusions. She said his world was a very self focused world, he couldn't cope without attention, when he didn't get the attention he needed it would send him into a child like tantrum, which materialised as a bad mood or anger, something that would regain the attention. She said there were times, when we were in company when I would look to my side to see my husband but instead there would be a child needing attention. I hadn't thought about this before, but there seems to be plenty of evidence to suggest this is true.
When we were in situations where he wasn't receiving constant attention or recognition from me he would drift or sink until he hit a mood. 

• I was pregnant and sick and tired and needed to be cared for, he told me he would finish with me if I was going to be like that.
• I was ill after an operation, he didn't want me at his house in case it upset the children, although I wasn't supposed to be left on my own
• After 3 days of honeymoon, 1 spent sleeping, and only 1 sex session he went into a bad mood as I was having it all my way, he said he was being nice and holding my hand but wasn't getting what he wanted and said he had started to resent me.  
• I was ill, my whole body was red, swollen and madly itchy, he intended to leave me alone, to go to breakfast while I was waited for the doctor
• When mum's ashes were being scattered, he disappeared for over 2 hours to go for a walk with Bryony, so people kept asking me where he was. 
• I had arranged a romantic weekend away in Cornwall, he didn't even get me a Valentine card as it wasn't important.

This doesn't capture the feeling. By contrast there were times when he would want to make me food, rub my feet, scrub my back, hug and kiss me.

If I try to think about him just giving me some thought, doing something to purely make me happy, it is difficult to remember. There must have been times....there must have been things he did just for me..... he did a few things around the flat, the bathroom tiles, the wood in the kitchen.

I remember the lovely bag he bought me for my birthday, but made me ask for my birthday present, then went into a mood when he gave it to me, it was as if he didn't want me to get what I wanted...or expected, he didn't want me to have the pleasure of my birthday present, it was strange.

The proposition

I want this part to be over, I want to stop feeling like my emotions are being carried along a river, gently flowing, then crashing into the bank. I want to get the crying over.

Today, fate lending it's helping hand, caused us to bump into each other in a bookshop, I felt weak, it was awkward, he came up to me, said hello, asked what I had bought, explained about a fierce looking burn on his arm. My head was spinning, I didn't know what to say. He looked worn, his hair looked chewed.

Tonight he sent me a text, offering me a 'proposition' he will keep trying to improve, if I stop my destructive behaviour. 

I can't explain, as I don't think I have the vocabulary, how this makes me feel, there should be, and could be one single word which expresses the hurt, frustration, disappointment and a little pity that he is still unable to understand the depth of what has happened.

Distraction

To further distract me, I contacted someone who I thought, maybe hoped, would give me some attention. He did not disappoint. He was keen to see me, as if I would make him feel better, one way or another.

I am playing with fire, he is more than I care to handle, but I know I will get a quick hit of feeling good. He is a seducer, it will make a nice change.

And on the subject of feeling good and maybe a little weird, the Gym Instructor, who has been very attentive on my two visits, was keen to give me his mobile number, so I can tell him if I would like a personalised routine, I'm not sure why

The end or the beginning of the end?

This week, amid a few highs and lows, my marriage ended, at least my commitment to my marriage. Unfortunately, not my love for my husband, nor my hope that a miracle may happen, the mist will clear and he will be able to see what is so clear to others. But I decided to end the torment we have been going through. I don't know if it has sunk in yet. My heart does not ache, I am not filled with loneliness and wistful thoughts. I am pretty sure I don't want to see cuddling couples, I have just decided to distract myself.

I signed onto a dating site, which coincidentally, so did my soon to be ex husband. It was a site which offered a compatibility score, we are reassuringly 75% compatible, he's in my top ten, and we have an 83% score on our vision as a couple. We are unfortunately made for each other. the only feeling I know I have is that I will never stop wanting him, if all he has done to date hasn't deterred me, nothing will. I think this is a cross to bear and I'm not sure how I will be able to carry it. That if nothing else will be the thing that disappoints me for the rest of my life. Maybe this sounds a bit melodramatic.

I have lost or sent away people who I have loved before, but the love I held then was a partly selfish love, I would miss what I got from the relationship. This time the love isn't in me, it's the love I have for him, the feeling belongs in him, he is where I feel it.

I like being loved by him, it has a purity, such an instinctive feeling, but that's not where the loss is, the loss is in the emptiness I feel in him.