It truly was the most satisfying of my relationships. He was not the ‘soul mate ‘ I was later to find but he gave me the most complete relationship I have experienced.
He was intelligent, passionate, funny, romantic, sociable, caring, loving,
creative, practical, spontaneous. So why did I stop loving him? It isn’t a quick or easy answer to find but I think it was because I thought he was weak, and maybe that isn’t a fair accusation either. He went through redundancy after 20 years service, a marriage split up after 12 years marriage and being separated from his children all within a year (I think) and he seemed to be getting through it ok, but in hindsight I think it broke him
I remember the first recognisable point that I had fallen out of love with him, we were in a car, in a country park I think, it was a nice day, we were going to have sex and I realised I didn’t fancy him anymore and I really don’t know why . If I had to put my finger on it …..no pun intended …and he did like puns, it was because he had let me down so many times by not having the courage of his convictions, I decided he was weak, I always wanted someone to believe in. I think this is a tough request of anyone, but I want it just the same, and I realised I couldn’t believe in him.
It is a shame because he has left me with so many good memories, a boxing kangaroo at Colchester Zoo, the motor boat on a crisp February morning, the spontaneous night in a hotel, doing jigsaws, walking in the peak district, picnics by open fires, picnics in the park, Malta, the
canal weekend,his handiwork which turned my flat into a home, poetry, the many cards and messages, his wit. But also his breakdown, his weaknesses, his betrayals.
I have to ask myself if I am seeking perfection, and I am not sure. Is there really a person I can believe in, who will say what he means and mean what he says. I really don’t know, I haven’t found him yet
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