I'm not in love with him, I don't romantically love him as it would be pointless, he wouldn't love me back, and there may be nothing to sustain love but I do love him, I love the person he is, his life moves from random idea to random idea, going to Uni for the third(?) time, starting a market garden, a poly tunnel franchise, property development, film making, play writing.
I met up with him in Italy, we rode his bike around lake Garda, camped in a basic site with vineyards, it rained all night, we were caught naked in the rain, running hand in hand through an orchard, thunder and drenching rain. The bike fell and the mirror broke. In the morning he went out to try to fix it. I sat in the cafe.
We stayed in the other site, swam in the pool, swam in the lake, made love in the tent, breaking new ground with a face slap, difficult to write, even more difficult to understand, listened to Wish You Were Here played at a distance acoustically in the camp bar.
Stayed in The M.......s the night I bumped into his son, to avoid any complication added by his wife.
Met him in P......e and camped for a couple of nights, no hot water, walked the coastline, drank wine in small harbour saw THE beach, temporarily cut off on return walk, car wasn't working, car fixed by AA, car appeared to catch fire, car fixed with wellington boot.
Found his ad on Match.
I feel as if I am a corpseless head; I have no desire to be connected to the body but I would like to know what I'm part of. I would like to better understand his relationship with his wife, I would like to understand where he is going, but then sometime I think he would too.
I feel as if I am constantly needing to re-evaluate what I want, what I really want from life, I currently don't seem to want to fall in love, I don't need permanence, but if you don't have that what do you aim for. stability is a clear path, it's easy to follow. What I have isn't easy, on occasion i have good company, plenty of laughs, good and creative sex, we are friends with benefits and it seems to work, but I feel as if I am fooling myself, do I want to be in love?
Do I want to feel loved? The easy answer would be to say yes, being loved by someone gives a comfort and a confidence. Not being loved by someone you spend intimate time with..... should I feel insecure. It doesnt affect my security, he isn't part of my security, it's not about security.
What if he finds someone else who he actually wants a normal relationship with, how will I feel?
I will definitely feel like it was a chapter that changed me, freed me in some way. Will I mourn what we had, I don't think so. I am already lost, when he is not here I won't be any more lost.
What do I want...I think I want an opportunity to get close enough to break it.
Spent the day with N, we are still in love.
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